I grew up hating Egg Nog. It looks like giz and just the thought of it made me gag and feel a couple pounds fatter. But I had friends who loved the stuff, and every Christmas they’d be like "Cooome on, just try it." So naturally I would, and let me tell you, those grocery store cartons of pre-made diabetes and lacto-blow out did absolutely nothing to change my mind. It sucked.

Fast forward about 20 years to Christmas at Jeff's parents’ house and everything changed. His be-sweatered neighbor bounded over with joy to proudly hand us a bottle of his ‘famous homemade Egg Nog'. I had just finished mentally shaming him for bringing such a crappy Christmas "treat" when I heard his parting words ring out like a chorus of Christmas angels: "But be careful now, there’s a good amount of rum in there."

Wait whaaaa…RUM!? “Weeeelll, maybe I’ll try just a little” I said. Half the bottle later I was a fully converted, albeit tipsy, 'Nog lover. Come to find out, all Egg Nog needs is a heavy dose of rum and it’s pretty flipping delicious. 

Since that fateful day in December, I've experimented with perfecting my own recipe and now I am the be-sweatered person proudly passing out jars of MY famous, homemade ‘Nog for Christmas. And let me tell you (smug smirk) I’ve converted more than just a few people into Noggies as well.

Without further ado, here’s my favorite recipe, and one game changing trick, to making your ‘Nog the belle of the Christmas ball.

Ingredients:

• 4 cups milk

• 5 whole cloves

• 1/2 teaspoon vanilla extract

• 1 teaspoon ground cinnamon

• 12 Egg yolks

• 1 1/2 cups Sugar

• 1 1/4 cups dark rum

• 1 1/4 cups brandy

• 4 cups light cream

• 2 teaspoons vanilla extract

• 1/2 teaspoon ground nutmeg

Instructions:

1. Combine milk, cloves, 1/2 teaspoon vanilla, and cinnamon in a saucepan, and heat over lowest setting for 5 minutes. Slowly bring milk mixture to a boil.

2. While the milk mixture heats up, combine egg yolks and sugar in a large (huge) bowl. Whisk together until fluffy. Once the milk mixture has come to a boil slowly whisk it into the eggs. Remove the cloves and pour mixture back into saucepan. Cook over medium heat, stirring constantly for a few minutes or until thick. Do not allow mixture to boil.

3. This is about the time it starts looking like soupy scrambled eggs and no amount of hand-stirring will get out all the chunks. Here's the game changing trick: whip out your inversion blender and blend the shit out of the egg / milk mixture until it's smooth and creamy!

4. Now, let cool for about an hour.

5. Finally, stir in rum, brandy, all the cream (I know), 2 more teaspoons vanilla, and a dash of nutmeg. Pour into containers (I use mason jars) and refrigerate overnight before serving.

Disclaimer: This Egg Nog recipe still looks like giz and it isn't remotely healthy. Too much will make you a few pounds fatter and possibly lead to a lacto-blowout if you aren't careful. You've been warned.

*Noggie (n): person who loves egg nog. Often spotted in a bedazzled sweater and Santa Hat.

*'Nog (n): what fully converted Noggies call egg nog. Expect hoards of knowing smiles and winks.